The Clown Mime Wars

War. War never changes, but it can get pretty ridiculous.

Supplies were in desperate need of being replenished. Five clowns sat at a table with a map rolled out before them of a nearby mime base.

“Here is where they keep their food,” the leader said, pointing with his cigar.

“Are you nuts? That’s basically at the heart of their base. We’d never even get close.”

The leader slammed his fists down on the table, making everyone jump.

“Damn it, Chester! Pogo died helping us get the map to their base! Do you want his death to be in vain by pussing out when it comes time to help those we swore to protect?!”

The memory flashed before Chester. They were celebrating the fact they managed to steal the map from the mimes. Then Pogo stepped onto an invisible landmine, sending bits of his body all over the place. A single tear rolled down Chester’s cheek.

“For Pogo,” he whispered.

“For Pogo,” the others cheered.

A plan was made. Then the leader radioed their fellow soldiers at nearby bases. Within a month, they were ready to execute the mission. Before they were ready to head it, the leader spoke to his second in command.

“Miko, make sure you take care of things while we’re gone.”

“I will, Wally.”

With a nod, he and the others headed out, piling into their tiny cars. Now, trying to out stealth people for whom silence is their bread and butter is no easy task. Fortunately, the clowns were not without advantages of their own. For one, they were able to create what are called balloon decoys. It’s pretty self-explanatory.

These replicas, while appearing human are actually made entirely of rubber. Their purpose is mainly scouting. There were attempts to send in armies of them to take down mime bases. Unfortunately, due to lacking nearly any sort of cognitive awareness of their own beyond basic motor functions, these attempts all ended in disaster. They had to be utilized wisely.

Those on the mission stopped at different points: East, West, South, and North. Wally’s stopped at the latter.

“Should we send the replicas out now?” Chester asked him.

“Not yet. That’ll only let them know we’re here. I’ll radio the others first.”

Wally turned on his radio.

“This is Red Shoe calling in. Do you all read me?”

“Copy that. This is Blue Shoe standing…”

Loud gunfire sounded over the radio. Wally felt his heart sink.

“Blue shoe,” he yelled. “Blue shoe respond.”

There was only silence. He attempted radioing the others. There was no response.

“Guys, “ Chester croaked out.

They all looked to see mimes who’d come out of hiding with their invisible rifles spewing bullets at them.

“Shit, it’s a fucking ambush!” Wally yelled, diving behind the car with the others. “Quick, make some weapons!”

They inflated some balloons and shaped them into assault rifles of their own. Then they began returning fire.

“Thre’s too many!” Chester yelled. “We’ll be overtaken soon at this rate!”

“Don’t worry,” Wally responded. “We still got our secret weapons.”

“Oh yeah!”

They pulled out cans labeled “Pop Rock Soda” and shook them as hard as they could. The cans shook violently. They threw them at the mimes, resulting in several massive explosions. Mime limbs went flying,

“Take that, you mute bastards!” Wally taunted, his cigar clenched tight in his teeth as opened fire on the ones trying to pick themselves back up.

They were optimistic about winning until they saw six groups of four clowns riding in invisible tanks.

“Get away from here!” Wally commanded.

They scrambled out of the way just as the first missile was fired. Their tiny r car was obliterated. The force of the explosion knocked them back. Luckily they were still alive albeit badly injured.

“Sir, everything hurts.” Chester cried.

Since Wally had been closest to the explosion, he took the most damage from it. He was in too much pain to even do so much as talk. His vision was a blur and his ears rang. The only thing he could rely on was his sense of touch. He felt himself get grabbed and then dragged. Thankfully after a short while his hearing and some mobility did return to him.

He and the others were roughly pulled to their feet. Now that their vision was back in focus they could see where the mimes had taken them. They were in a room where there was a large desk and office chair facing away from them.

“So, you’re here at last.”

That voice. It couldn’t be. The chair swiveled around, revealing Pogo stroking a fluffy white cat.

“Pogo?! How?” Chester asked in shock.

“It was a simple matter, really, fooling you all.”

Pogo then explained that on the day of his supposed death he actually swapped himself out with a balloon replica.

“I’d been sneaking them information months before I faked my death and you idiots didn’t suspect a thing,” he laughed.

“But why?” Wally asked, enraged. “Why would you betray us?!”

“Why!?” Pogo replied, his tone conveying deep offense. “It’s because I never got a goddamn thing for all the hard work I did even before all this happened!”

“We took you in and this is how you repay us?!”

“Oh, please. I heard what you all said about me behind my back, always making me the butt of the joke! I was never appreciated for anything I did but you all aren’t so high and mighty now. Get them out of my site. Take them to…The converter!”

Their hearts filled with terror. The converter was another much more brutal way to turn people into mimes. Rumour had it that experiencing it was akin to being shocked continuously. The clowns trembled with terror.

“Stop being such pussies,” Wally commanded. “Is this how you want to go, shaking in fear? Don’t give them the satisfaction.”

They weren’t the only ones to be taken to the converter. Blue Shoe along with the other leaders code-named Green Shoe and Yellow Shoe was there as well. Some members of their groups were present. Unfortunately, the majority of them were wiped out in the ambushes. They all only gave each other somber nods while awaiting their fate.

They were strapped down into invisible chairs. Wally never broke his hardened gaze at the mimes smirking at them.

“Get on with it!” he yelled at them. “Fucking do it!”

Just as the process was about to begin, a loud boom was heard and the area shook violently. The mimes looked around, panicked and confused. This happened again. Then a flurry of gunshots sounded outside.

“What’s going on out there?!” Pogo demanded with worry in his voice.

Miko burst through doors along with twenty other clowns. The mimes were fast to respond but not fast enough. They attempted to pull out their invisible guns only to be met with boxing glove guns wielded by Miko and his group. The force of these was so strong, the mimes invisible kevlar vests did little to protect them. The sound of their ribs cracking as they were hit could be heard.

The mimes flew back, hitting the wall behind them. One tried pulling an invisible knife on Miko. However, he was quick to react. Using his squirt flower, he sent a spray of acid water at him, causing him to silently scream in pain, falling to his knees. Miko gave him a hard kick to the head with his oversized shoe, knocking him out.

The screams of Wally and the others were audible as they were undergoing the effects of the converter. Miko and his group dashed to them. The doors to the room were locked shut. Miko pulled out a can of whipped cream. Then sprayed it over the crack between the doors.

Once they were all a safe distance away, he detonated it with a “That Was Easy” button. The doors were blown off their hinges. Since the converter machine was invisible, they did have some trouble locating its switch. Fortunately, they were able to find it and shut it off.

“Miko, is that you?” Wally croaked out.

“Did you really think we’d play house while you hogged all the fun to yourselves?”

He gave him a weak smile in response.

“How did you all manage this?” Wally asked him once they were freed.

“You remember those hot air balloons we found a couple months back? Well, we managed to get them working.”

“Good thing you did but we can’t talk right now. Pogo is probably escaping right now.”

“Pogo?! I thought he died?”

Wally shook his head,

“I’ll explain later but we need to try and catch him before he gets away.”

They rushed back to the office just in time to see Pogo trying to climb out of his window. Just as they were about to shoot him, he threw the cat at them. Chester dropped his gun and caught it as Pogo scrambled out the window.

“We need to go after him,” Blue Shoe said.

“No, we can worry about that later,” Wally said. “We need to get the supplies back to base first. Then we’ll let everyone know to use different channels from now on.”

The surviving mimes were taken, prisoner. Then the supplies were gathered to be distributed to those living on the clown bases.

There was both bitterness and joy when they returned. The former from how many were lost during the mission and the latter because they were successful. They ate in memory of their fallen comrades. However, they knew that they were only celebrating winning a battle and not the war. To do that, they knew that they still had a long way to go.